Caution: Personal Content
I have been reluctant to write for my blog because I have been overwhelmed with personal struggles. I have not focused on poker to the degree that is necessary to produce good poker posts. So I have avoided and delayed, waiting for focus to return to poker. After a month of procrastination, I have determined to write something. I will share my thoughts in hopes you find benefit from reading about my struggles.
Here goes:
My relationship with my husband it not where I want it to be. We are in a period of deep strain and hard work where both of us are trying to find out what we really want from our lives. Is there room for Michael in this new Jena? Does Michael like the gal I am becoming?
There are so many changes in our lives right now. My health has been improving. Our kids are grown and gone. The house is empty. My carpools, meetings, and homework supervision have ended. The day to day family life is finished; my “work” is done. Yet Michael must toil to continue to support us. Day after day he gets up in the morning to go to work. I find myself asking, “Where is his source of pleasure?” “Can I make him happy?” “Where do we go from here?”
Many men have asked me questions like, “What do you do back home?” or “What kind of work do you do?” They ask these questions at the poker table to gain information about me. They take my answers to speculate on what type of “game” I play, thus using my answers to formulate battle tactics. Knowing this, I like to give them unexpected answers in hopes they misinterpret and draw wrong conclusions. Often they become intrigued with my response and have many follow up questions. I try to use their distraction to my advantage by giving them a winning smile with my bluff.
For years I have proudly told them I am a “kept woman”. I love being a kept woman. Michael provides for my every need, want, and desire. Anything can be mine just for the asking. I am spoiled because my husband has devoted his life to my pleasure. As the men pressed me for more information, such as “Where is your husband now?” I would retort happily, “At work—somebody has to pay for all this”
However, I have come to realize I have enjoyed it too much. Gradually over time, I overstepped the bounds of proper and took too much. I abused my position, robbing him of resources that could be better invested in more meaningful pursuits. I came to expect him to meet my every whim while I disregarded his. Once I expected and even at times, demanded his gifts, they no longer were gifts; these expectations became burdens for Michael to provide. I kept taking and taking until he had no more to give. In my blatant egotism, I was oblivious to his pain. He gave freely out of love and devotion while I took with selfish abandon.
My destructive impulses have led me to devalue My Love in the process. The realization of this truth has caused me to question who I am. What are my values? Am I a person who can live with essentially using another human being? How can you live your whole life and not know who you are? These thoughts have provoked feelings sadness as I grief the loss of the person I thought I was.
This sadness has provoked me to take a deep look inside myself. I need to obtain a good understanding of the choices I have made and their consequences. I search to find the girl who was damaged, to heal her, and to bring her into my life where she does not have to be afraid anymore. This girl needs to grow up. And that is just she is doing.
Welcome to my journey….